April 1st, 2011
There’s a couple of things we can count on for every Wrestlemania. #1: The Undertaker will think about how he is about to win a match during a long walk to the ring. #2: There will be an awkwardly designed website that opens in multiple windows. #3. Brodus Clay will make an impact.
As for me, not much has changed. I still don’t read spoilers, I still close my ears when it comes to rumors and I still think I would be a really fantastic booker for professional wrestling. Here’s how the whole night plays out in my book and what I think their book looks like as well.
The Corre vs. Big Show, Kane, Santino, That Other Guy
I really wish they would just throw the belts on the line for this one. It wouldn’t hurt and I know it’s weird but not having two championships on the line is much weirder. Wrestlemania 15 was one of my favorite cards of all time and they had every belt on the line. It felt special. I should get over this. I’m over this. I’m lying about being over this.
What I’d Do: This seems like a classic “it doesn’t really matter who wins” scenario but really, if a group who has their own t-shirt can’t defeat a guy wearing caveman tights, a comedian, a guy forced into being a comedian and a guy who once got coffee spilled on him and got so mad he picked a plastic bag off the ground and threw it REAL HARD then those shirts should be designed in an awkward crooked fashion.
What They’ll Do: I bet I nail this one perfectly- Big Show and Kane double choke slam on Ezekial Jackson, Santino gets the pin and that other guy does a Kanearoonie then robs a Wendy’s.
Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes
Seems like WWE has been avoiding booking solid mid-card matches at pay-per-views so I was pleasantly surprised when I saw this match scheduled for the granddaddy of them all. It reminds me of Hercules vs. King Haku in Wrestlemania 5 and when I posted that on Twitter I was very excited at the number of people who appreciated it. 
What I’d do: Cody Rhodes manages to remove Rey’s mask and we get a nice clean camera shot of a bare faced Mysterio. After he charges Rhodes he gets rolled up for a clean pin. Crowd boos, Cody Rhodes takes one step closer to fulfilling the ceiling for his career, which is either going to be Ravishing Rick Rude (a couple of lengthy Intercontinental title reigns and a few main events) or Rick the Model Martel (real estate). Rey wrestles with his mask off for the rest of his WWE career which is pretty much the last interesting thing he has left in him other than a heel turn that will never happen.
What they’ll do: After Cody Rhodes fails at removing Rey’s mask, he’ll be pinned after a 619 then have his own mask removed. And since WWE doesn’t seem to understand how to take their time with the mid-card or with debuts I’m going to guess that Sin Cara will be sitting ringside.
Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan
I’m looking forward to this match so much. Baby Terp was always so fascinated with mid-card championships as a kid and since I’m so romantic I really feel proud for whoever walks away the victor at Wrestlemania. Whether it was Rick Rude and The Ultimate Warrior or Bret Hart and Roddy Piper, these matches always felt special. I don’t care that Sheamus has slipped a rung on the ladder or that there is little build up to this one. It’s real to me!
What I’d do: I would duplicate the finish to their Raw match but with Bryan kicking out after the kick. Then Sheamus teases tapping out in the center of the ring. Then Bryan goes for the top rope move again and the Sheamus kick is too much the second time. The champ collapses on Bryan for the much-deserved win. My goal for this match is for wrestlers to come off as completely spent. I’d love for the referee to duplicate the exhaustion of the referee from the Steamboat/Savage match.
What they’ll do: They will do what I would do because I have faith in the WWE’s faith in these two cornerstones of the future. (Also, this looks to be our swing match for the evening. If Daniel Bryan wins here I am certain that either Del Rio or Miz is walking away champion.) Let’s all hope that they don’t give us another Mr. Perfect vs. The Big Boss Man at Wrestlemania 7. A really fun match with a stupid, stupid disqualification ending. Watch the video for the following morsels of sunshine: Mr. Perfect flipping over after getting slapped by the Boss Man and the crowd cheering wildly for Boss Man winning the match by disqualification also known as *not* winning the Intercontinental Title.
John Morrison, Trish Stratus and Snooki vs. Dolph Ziggler and Lay-Cool
It’s nice to see John Morrison and Dolph Ziggler getting a match at ‘Mania that’s not Money in the Bank but I suppose they need a little spice. So playing the role of Cyndi Lauper/Lawrence Taylor this year is Snooki.
What I’d do: Dolph needs a strong showing here and John Morrison should renew some of his Royal Rumble tricks. Snooki gets the pin on both Lay and Cool and in the aftermath Dolph leaves the ladies behind.
What they’ll do: My desires and predictions are actually lined up in this one but I do fear that this match will be crammed in the second-to-last match slot which will drive whoever is watching the show with me crazy because I have a ten minute rant prepared for this.
CM Punk vs. Randy Orton
What I’d do: CM Punk needs to win this match. He wins because we’ll probably get at least another month out of this feud and if they are going to split the series then the ‘Mania win goes to the better man. I’m crossing fingers for lots of silent stare downs at the start of the match so that every casual wrestling fan watching understands the complexities of this feud. When it comes to non-title matches that we all really care about (the most important ingredient of an effective pay-per-view. See: Kurt Angle/Benoit at X7; Jericho/HBK at 19) this one is near the top of the all-time best list. Punk wins when he blocks an RKO from an exhausted Orton and then lifts him into the Go To Sleep.
What they’ll do: I feel like Orton is going over here (reverse my finish for theirs) to balance out the outcomes for the WWE Youth Universe. That won’t be entirely disappointing, but an Orton victory plus post-match massacre of Punk will be nauseating. I’m also worried about Nexus coming out and ganging up on Punk.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Edge
I’ve enjoyed Edge over the years but I’m ready for him to scoot over and make some room for the Dolph Zigglers of the world. The problem here though, is that Edge ain’t much anymore without a belt around his or his opponents waist. Have no fear, ideas are here.
What I’d do: Christian “accidentally” helps Del Rio win. After a lengthy, majestic and expensive celebration, Christian pummels Edge with chairs, setting up Edge vs. Christian at Backlash and hopefully a couple of years of Christian getting the Edge treatment that he deserves.
What they’ll do: Edge beats Alberto Del Rio the same bland way that the second-most-important World Title match at Wrestlemania usually plays out.
Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole
It won’t be hard to top last year’s Lagniappe match between Bret Hart and Vince McMahon. I have $500 on this match being more entertaining than this and if I could bet $50,000 on Lawler winning this match then I would.
What I’d do: One word: Piledriver. Lots more words: This match is going to be so much fun. It speaks to me in a lot of ways. The slow build. The truth in the promos. Michael Cole in a glass case. JR (probably) doing commentary. MICHAEL COLE IN A GLASS CASE!
What they’ll do: One word: Piledriver.
The Undertaker vs. HHH
The Undertaker looks to extend his impressive win streak that includes riveting victories over Kane, A-Train, Kane, Giant Gonzalez, Mark Henry, Kane, Big Boss Man’s neck and a young Superfly Jimmy Snuka. Good luck Undertaker, you’re gonna need it! Source: this well done video on the streak.
What I’d do: The Undertaker goes over clean with HHH’s own move, The Pedigree. Then he drops to his knees and spits out water that looks like lightning. Then the second Undertaker rides a motorcycle down the ring with the guy from Motorhead clutching onto his back. Both HHH and The Undertaker look as wacked out as their preview photo on the Wrestlemania website.
What they’ll do: This match will probably be very, very good. The ceiling for an Undertaker Wrestlemania match is obviously 2010′s Shawn Michaels which I believe HHH has probably watched a thousand times. The end of this match will mirror 2001′s HHH/Undertaker Wrestlemania match (sans motorcycles/sledgehammers) with Undertaker countering HHH’s top rope punches with the Last Ride powerbomb. But since Undertaker doesn’t wear those Deadman pants anymore he also does a tombstone. (This is also what I’d do) And after watching this week’s Raw, I now expect HBK to interfere and give both guys some sweet chin music.
John Cena vs. The Miz
What I’d do: The Rock walks to the ring around the fifteen minute mark real slo-o-o-o-w-l-y. He circles the ring, giving everyone watching enough time to come up with a dozen scenarios from what’s about to happen. When both men are knocked out, he gets in and delivers the People’s Elbow to The Miz. Then he mocks Cena’s People’s Elbow parody and delivers another to him. After a few more struts around the ring, Rock decides to leave. Halfway up the ramp he turns around, heads back and gives Cena a Rock Bottom. Cena kicks out at 2.999 count and builds up towards a FU which Miz slips out of then hits the Skull Crushing Finale. Miz wins and goes on to keep the title all the way til next year’s Wrestlemania. Seriously.
What they’ll do: I’m terrified that we’ll get the 2011 version of Hulk Hogan vs. Sgt. Slaughter. In 1991, Mr. Cammo pants played the role of “despised bad guy who is 100% most definitely losing his title tonight and all the kids in the world will be happy about that.” I know the Miz is much, much more than a modern day Slaughter, but I don’t think the WWE Youth Universe would think that. I’m definitely worried about a bland John Cena victory here that doesn’t even cut to a deflated Miz because it’s too busy getting fifty angles of a flag-waving Cena.
That’s it! Enjoy the show and let me know your thoughts on Twitter (@christrew) or in the comments.
3 Responses to “Wrestlemania 27: What I’d Do vs. What They’ll Do”
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This is awesome – great read.
Especially, for a guy who grew up watching all WWF/WWE events.
I don’t follow it anymore … but maybe I should.
You actually commented on the women’s match! Way to go, Terp!
I could write for days on what will/should happen. This WM seems so stale without real tag teams or a MITB match
I think Bryan/Sheamus is the opener, and steals the show in terms of workrate. I agree with what you’d like. Would love to see near finishes and kick outs of finishers. Sheamus goes over.
Corre/Island of Misfit Toys. No one gets a rub from this match. Doesn’t matter who wins. I think Santino gets the cobra but also gets pinned by the IC champ Barrett. Protects all the big guys.
Snooki, Trish, Morrison v. Le Cool, Zig, Vicki. Snooki’s the guest, Trish gets her moves. Zig and Morrison do most of the interesting stuff in the match. Vicki jobs for Snooki who does some botched version of a finisher.
Rey/Cody– Rey pins Cody. Cody goes for mask, takes it off to reveal second mask. Rey takes off Cody’s mask, hits a kick to the face, 619, pin.
CM Punk/Randy Orton- Orton wins. Punk gets punted. Wouldn’t be surprised by a Michael Tarver/ Skip Sheffield one off RKO. Want Punk to go over, can’t see it.
Cole/Lawler. Piledriver got nixed by Vince, but yes, that’s what old school fans want. Cole should blade but not sure if they’re allowing color. Swagger’s taking a stunner. Cole is probably taking one and a beer bath. Stone cold and lawler split beers. JR calls this match and does the rest of WM with the SD team.
Del Rio/Edge. Everyone can see this one coming a mile away. Christian goes heel eventually. Del Rio gets belt. Brodus takes a spear. Ricco Rodriguez takes a spear. Christian accidentally nails Edge, Edge gets pinned then Christian turns in the aftermath.
Miz/Cena. Alex Riley is taking a rock bottom. So is Miz. Up until Monday I thought Rock would be ref, take out riley and Miz and call it down the middle. Now I think Rock hits Cena with a Rock bottom in the heat of battle (as a mistake possibly, maybe not).
This one is tough. I know the match ends with a Rock/Cena staredown. I think it ends with Miz retaining and moving onto an Orton feud. If Rock or Cena end up with the title, you’re going to have a situation similar to Rock/Hogan and HHH/Jericho where the latter has no heat.
UT/HHH: Only thing we know is a) the streak is staying alive and b) HHH Will more than likely get two tombstones and kick out. I think HBK plays a role. Possibly to try to superkick UT, HHH gets mad at HBK not wanting a screwjob to break the streak and pedigrees him. Or HBK superkicks HHH. Either way, I’d love it to be one on one, but I don’t think they can resist the run in. This should not be ending the show, but UT will win.
Overbooked, too many of the same kind of scenarios. But it will still entertain but it won’t be mind blowing